


Oh! Dreary Was the World to Me

by consecrated



Category: X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 04:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2296046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consecrated/pseuds/consecrated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sight of Charles soaked with rain makes Raven freeze up, triggering a memory from six years ago. She and Charles deal with the aftermath, realizing that everything is not ok and maybe they should stop pretending the past is just the past.<br/>____</p><p>"I find him  in the garden, limp, pale, drenched.... I don't notice until I get him inside that he's barely breathing. I realize I don't know what do to. All that ran through my mind was from that afternoon's episode of I Love Lucy, because I couldn't bear to think about the reality, that my brother was dying in my arms."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh! Dreary Was the World to Me

 “...because i’m afraid to look the world in the eye. if nothing’s gonna change, well, then i’d rather die.  
...i’ve seen the best minds of my generation dying drunk or high from the rooftops to the parking lots, stomped to death in west philadelphian squats.”

-From Here to Utopia, Ramshackle Glory

 

  
She knew, maybe even better than Erik, that there was darkness at the centre of every heart. Erik knew pain intimately, but he only knew the starkest, most obvious kinds. His darkness didn't make any attempts at hiding. 

Raven felt her own in the quiet haunting of age old memories from before Westchester, memories that only came to her in shadowy flashes of emotion and smell. She also felt it in the her relationship with her brother, where pain liked to fester. 

It was dreary mondays that made her think those thoughts, she never would call herself a poet and most certainly would never admit to analyzing the concept of inner darkness. She thanked god every time she thought, ' _the heart is a metaphor_ ', that Charles made good on his promise never to look into her mind other then for projected conversations. 

' _Are you ok, Raven? You look dreadful.'_

' _I'm fine. Just wish it would stop raining.'_ She replied, pushing the words back across the psychic link. Within the privacy of her deeper mind, she thought,  _Why does rain make me so fucking miserable._

She wished she could be like Sean, who would gladly run outside buck naked to play in the rain like an eight-year-old. Never had she understood the joy some felt when the weather turned cloudy and wet, it seemed nonsensical. 

A mop of soaking ginger hair appeared in the doorway, along with the rest of Sean. He was drenched, and grinning wildly. "I got water!"

"Evidently." Charles hummed, looking up from his book. 

"No-- I mean I  _got water_!" He held up his bucket, filled to the brim with rainwater. "For Alex's stupid plants."

"I don't see why he can't use tap water." Raven muttered, "I get that they're fancy, but still." She felt her throat seize up a bit, for no particular reason. She forced herself to concentrate on her magazine, but the text seemed blurry and out of focus. 

Charles stood up, taking the bucket from Sean, "Dionaea muscipula is very delicate when it comes to chemicals. Distilled water or rainwater is best. Thank you Sean, I'm sure Alex will be please." 

"You gotta make sure he promises I get to watch next time he feeds them." 

"Of course." 

Raven followed Charles out of the living area, not eager to be alone in a room with soaking wet Sean who would gladly decide it was 'hug time' just to piss her off. As well, she was feeling antsy. Antsy and weirdly depressed and feeling like her heart was squeezing on some shard of darkness stuck inside it. Squeezing and squeezing, too tight. 

She found herself reluctant to let her brother out of her sight. 

"Alex, Sean collected some water for your Flytraps." Charles stopped outside of Alex's door, rapping on it gently. In the evening Summers always tucked himself away with his music-- he was an introvert and being around people constantly meant he needed his 'alone time'. Each team member had their own needs, like Sean needed attention, Erik needed Charles, and Hank needed his space. It had been almost a week since they'd started training at Westchester, and slowly they were learning how to live with each other. Cohabitation.  _  
_

The door opened and Alex peeked out, visibly brightening at the bucket of water, "Cool."

"Shall I get a container to keep it in?" Charles asked, handing it over, "Otherwise it'll evaporate." 

"Yeah sure. Tell Sean I said thanks, I guess." 

Raven smirked, "He said you have to promise to let him watch the next feeding." 

Alex rolled his eyes, not replying. 

Charles turned to go get something to transfer the water into, and Raven suddenly felt an ache in her chest.  _What is wrong with me? I've never felt separation anxiety like this before._

Sure, the recent torrential rain certainly put a damper on her mood-- they hadn't seen rain like this in years-- but it shouldn't be putting her this out of sorts. 

By the time her thought process had run it's course, Charles was already back with a large jug, beaming, "I think this should do the job nicely." He held it out as Alex carefully started pouring the water in, when a door slammed down the hall making the younger man jump in surprise. 

In doing so, he accidentally dumped most of the water onto Charles, who proceeded to slip on the now wet floor and bring Alex with him, both toppling over and getting soaked.

"Sorry!" Hank exclaimed, jogging over, "The bathroom window was open and a gust made the door slam-- I- I-"

"It's ok, it's fine." Charles soothed, chuckling softly, wiping sopping wet hair out of his eye full of good humour, but Raven felt frozen. 

It was like her blood had hardened in her veins, turning to ice as her body stilled. Her heart stopped dead then proceeded to race, her chest feeling suddenly very hollow yet tight. 

She couldn't breathe--

She remembered feeling like this the day out at sea, seeing Charles soaking wet after going in after Erik, that sudden sharp panic, but never this bad--

No, she couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, can't breathe, cant--

"Raven! Raven can you hear me?" His voice sounded far away, "Raven you have to breathe." 

"What's going on?"

"I think she's having a panic attack." That was Hank, voice shuddering and stuttering and sounding like it was coming through a wall, muted. 

_Where was Charles? Where's Charles where's Charles oh god where's Charles..._

_'Shhh, Raven, I'm right here. You need to take a deep breath, it's ok.'_ That was his voice, not sounding far off at all. It was directly in her mind, accompanying feelings of calmness that, distantly, she knew he was projecting to her. 

 **_[“Charles please.” She begged, “Please.” The phone felt like a rock in her hands, too heavy, chord like it was wrapped around her throat, choking her. "_** **_I’m sorry.” Was the rattly reply, breath like pebbles bouncing against a mirror. She could hear it, in his voice, in his lungs._ **

**_Please don’t let my brother be dead.]_ **

_‘I’m sorry’_  That voice was real, now, in her head. She didn’t look at Charles, didn’t want him to see her face. 

She took a shaky gasp, forcing air into her lungs. She had to get a grip, she was enough in control that she could recognize that she was panicking. Refusing to look at her brother, knowing that his soaked hair and the smell of rain on his clothes would trigger her more, she focused on Hank who knelt next to her. 

"Take another deep breath Raven, good job." The taller boy encouraged her, smiling slightly. She focused on his dweeby glasses and hair that he probably spent too much time on making look presentable, just like Charles did-- no, don't think about Charles. 

Raven could feel the way Charles shifted, that he could sense the problem. She had probably be projecting loudly during her attack, she was glad she wasn't telepathic, she didn't want to hear the thoughts going through his head.

"I'll be right back." Charles said, standing up.

"You- you can't leave her, she just had a-" Hank protested, but Alex cut him off, "Let him go." 

She glanced at Alex, and he looked back at her, "He's part of the problem, right?"

Shame seemed to be rolling off of Charles as he walked away, and her gut clenched. As soon as he was out of earshot, she muttered, "I- I'm fine now I think. It's fine, I'm fine." 

Her chest was still too tight, and neither of them seemed to believe her. It took a few more minutes before her lungs seemed to soften and she could finally breathe without gasping for air.

"What happened?" Alex asked, frowning, "Hank said a panic attack?"

"I've never really had them before." She admitted, voice still weak. She took a deep, shaky breath, "I mean, never like that." 

They exchanged a look, eyebrows crunching up in confusion. Hank finally said, "So, like, it was triggered by Charles?"

She didn't want to talk about, didn't even want to acknowledge what had happened-- especially now that she knew why. 

It hadn't rain that hard in years, probably about six years. It had been a few days after the twelve year anniversary of Brian Xaviers death. They were in the UK, Charles was studying for his M.D. in psychiatry, and it had been raining. Oh god it had been raining so hard, and she could remember barely hearing the phone ring over the steady roar. 

"Are you ok?" Hank asked, rubbing her arm in what he probably assumed was a soothing manner. She felt too antsy for comfort, her skin prickling, and she almost didn't notice Charles return. 

He'd mostly dried off, a towel still in hand. His hair looked damp, but he no longer resembled the drenched young man she remembered from six years ago. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were still bothered by it." Charles whispered, eyes soft and sad. 

Raven felt a shiver of rage go through her.  _Of course I'm still fucking bothered by it, you twat._ The rage quelled as he sat down beside her, gently wrapping his arm around her. 

Hank and Alex nervously shifted, still unsure of the situation. Charles looked up at them, offering a gentle smile, "Why don't you go fetch a mop. The last thing these old floors need is water damage." 

They were more than eager to run off. 

"Charles." Raven muttered, shaking her head, "It wasn't your fault. I've never had a reaction like that before." 

He shook his head, "The mind works in mysterious ways. For whatever reason, it was triggered today." 

_I've seen you in the rain since then. I never reacted like this._

"What happened, back then, I--"

"We don't have to talk about it Charles. I know you don't like to." 

_**[He was shaking, curled up against her. They were sprawled against the bathroom tiles, clinging to each other. He was sorry, she knew he was. He kept repeating it, over and over. It didn't change the fact that there was over two bottles worth of painkillers in his stomach. Seconds were ticking by. No sign of an ambulance. Raven refused to let herself think. Just stared at her watch with her finger against his pulse.]** _

"You found me in the garden." He whispered, holding her close, "You found me in the garden and I was drenched. You didn't realize something was wrong until you had hauled me inside, and found all the empty bottles." 

"There was so much damn London traffic the ambulance took forever to get there." She added, chuckling bitterly, "I thought you would die there, soaking wet on our bathroom floor. I was so damn mad. I- when I got the phone call... all I could think was that you were going to die because I wanted to go over to my friends house to fucking watch _I love Lucy_ _._ " 

Charles started, but she cut him off, "I got that phone call and my heart fucking stopped. I ran all the way home, praying you hadn't done anything yet." 

They could hear footsteps nearing, "They brought Erik with." Charles muttered, "They know something's wrong." 

"They know that it's  _you_  they should be worried about." 

He quirked an eyebrow at her, "You're the one who had a panic attack." 

"And you're telling me that during it, you didn't accidentally project to your little love bug at all?" She muttered, watching him blush.

' _Raven, we're just friends.'_

' _Whatever you say.'_

She knew that Charles had trouble disconnecting himself from Erik, due to how much time they spent in each others heads during training. Charles was a very powerful psychic, who spent much of his time and effort making sure  _not_  to be in other peoples heads. When Erik granted him access, she knew he ended up picking up bad habits. _  
_

Bad habits like accidentally projecting all his fear and guilt to the other man when suddenly made emotionally vulnerable.

"You really ought to do something about that." She told him, just as Erik rounded the corner, followed by Alex and Hank (who held a mop in his tight fists). 

"Is everything ok?" Silently, she knew he was really asking  _'_ _Are_ you  _ok?'_

"Everything is fine, my friend." Charles replied, standing up. "Raven, would you like to come referee a game of chess? You know he always cheats." 

"If anyone is cheating, it's you, Charles." Erik replied, helping him up.

She let out a shuddery breath, the stood, following the two down to the study. Silent, as the two chatted amicably, albeit somewhat forcibly so-- like they were trying make things normal. It only increased the tension. She knew Erik was confused and concerned, she didn't need to be a telepath for that. 

The study was warm, a fire already lit, probably in anticipation for their usual evening chess match. Raven wondered how much Erik had invested in their little routine, how much he relied on Charles steady company. Erik Lensherr was a broken man.

_Gravitating towards his own kind._

The two men set up their board, rambling on about the news and then about genetics, while Raven sat a few feet away, feeling like a voyeur. The way they played and talked was so intimate, especially when she could see the obvious psychic conversations they were having away from her ears. She could see it in the way Charles' eyes softened and his lips quirked, in response to things she could not hear. 

She knew Erik understood darkness, but the kind that existed in Charles wasn't something he was familiar with. Erik understood physical pain, and loss, and rage, and revenge. With Charles, it was something deep inside that was rarely seen, something hidden. 

 

* * *

 

' _It was a long time ago.'_

_'Obviously not long enough.'_

Erik knew Raven had a certain fragility about her, mostly stemming from self confidence issues. He could never imagine her having such a severe reaction to something so small, such as Charles getting drenched. When Raven explained it to him, what had happened six years ago, he was even more confused. After all he'd gone through, not once had he even  _thought_ about suicide. It just never occurred to him to take his own life, and the thought of  _Charles_ doing that make his stomach roll. 

' _It was a long time ago, and I'm a different person now. Not as weak._ '  _  
_

 _'I never said you were weak.'_ Erik replied, snappishly. Admittedly, if it had been anyone else he would have considered it an act of weakness, however he could never consider Charles in such a light. It was shameful for him to believe that, though, that it was weak to end ones own life. 

' _It is, though, is it not?'_ Charles' mental voice was strained. 

' _I confess I do not understand the concept of suicide. However, it is not weak that you attempted it, but strong that you overcame it.'_

Charles chuckled a bit, moving his rook to capture his knight,  _'Oh, spare me, my friend. I've heard enough from Raven. It was many years ago, I don't need the pep talk.'_

Erik was not convinced that the event was truly 'in the past', that it was all over and done with and nothing residual lingered. He would respect Charles' assuredness though, and not pry.

Raven was still sitting by the table, looking a bit uncomfortable. Erik felt for her, he knew Charles just didn't want to leave her alone, not after what had just happened. They had filled the silence with various debates, all while holding their telepathic conversation that Raven was obviously not oblivious to, while Erik wrestled with his feelings on the matter. 

Six years was a long time, and surely Charles had spent quite a bit of work on healing-- and yet he still felt perturbed that at one point the man had felt capable of just...  _leaving._ Swallowing two bottles of pills then dying out in the rain. It didn't match his image of him, the frumpy, privileged, british professor with bright blue eyes and thin pink lips that smiled often but-- 

\-- _I don't love you, Charles, but I like you enough to be worried. I wanted to know that I knew everything about you, just as you knew everything about me. But I don't. I don't know everything about you and that scares me._

He didn't think the words toward the other man, but he knew he heard them all the same. 

' _Don't fret, my friend. Just know that I'm ok.'_

Erik didn't love Charles, not the way he loved his mother or loved the quiet singing of metal, nor did he love him like he loved the feeling of vengeance as Nazi soldiers broke blood. In fact, he didn't love him at all. He cared for him deeply, yes, in a desperate, unnerving way, but--

The telepath looked up at him, ' _Erik, rest easy. It's ok.'_

Raven suddenly spoke up, turning in her seat to face them, "So, I find him in the garden, limp, pale, drenched..."

Charles froze, "Raven..."

"I don't notice until I get him inside that he's barely breathing. I realize I don't know what do to. All that ran through my mind was from that afternoon's episode of I Love Lucy, because I couldn't bear to think about the reality, that my brother was dying in my arms." She smiled darkly, "' _Lucy you got some 'splainin' to do'_ and that just repeats in my head over and over, that dumb fucking line from that dumb fucking show, and I've got my hand on his neck, right? Keeping track of his pulse?"

Erik didn't say anything, but he didn't break eye contact with her. She needed this, needed to get it out of her system. 

She went on, "I'm feeling his pulse, and it's getting fainter, and fainter. I still have 911 on the line, they say the ambulance will be there any minute, and yet I can feel him fading away. I'd tried to get him to throw up earlier, tried to get as much out as I could, but it wasn't enough."

"But they got there." Erik finally commented, "The ambulance." 

Raven gritted her teeth, "He'd already stopped breathing, choking on his own bile, and the drugs in him had already taken effect. They managed to resuscitate him, but they were afraid he'd slip into a coma. Afraid, even if he came out of it, he'd have brain damage."

"But it all turned out ok." Charles whispered, voice hoarse. 

"I was so fucking mad at you, Charles."

"Raven, I--"

"' _Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do'._ Fuck that. After they released you from the hospital, you shut me out. Eventually you told me,  _weeks_ later, that yes, you hadn't been coping well. That all you could think about was the past. That you wanted to stop, 'wanted to make it all stop', and I told you I'd be there for you." Raven took a breath, trying to calm herself, "I knew that Kurt hurt you, that your father's death hurt even worse, and your mother... well. But you never said anything to me." 

Erik closed his eyes, ' _All you could think about was the past. Afterwards, you_ refused  _to.'_

Charles flinched, glancing at Erik, then back to Raven, "I'm sorry I've hurt you, I'm so sorry." 

"You kept telling me you were sorry, even on the phone. Even half conscious on the bathroom floor. You always apologize..." She closed her eyes, "I don't want an apology Charles. Don't apologize for trying to kill yourself, I-- I blamed myself for a long time. But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault either. But afterwards... Charles, you pretended nothing had happened." 

"You both were hurt." Erik muttered, "Charles repressed it, and Raven, you internalized it. He didn't want to think about the past, and you blamed yourself for what happened. It fucked you both up. It's over now, but because neither of you dealt with it, it's still fucking you over." 

Raven looked her brother in the eye, and stated, "You pretended it didn't happen. Say out loud what happened, Charles." 

"Pardon?"

"Say, out loud, what you did. Never, not once, did ever say it." She replied, calmly, "It wasn't even denial, you just  _couldn't_ say it. Earlier, you said _'you found me'_ and ' _you found the bottles'_ but never have you been able to actually say what happened." 

Charles frowned at her, "I'm not sure what the point of saying it now would be." 

' _Charles, it's been six years. When Raven had her panic attack, I could feel all that shame and self loathing flowing across the link. It's not your fault, I know, you weren't in control of your powers, but I still felt you feel it. I know you felt it._ '

' _Yes, I have feelings, what of it.'_

_'Say it out loud, Charles. Say what you did six years ago. This isn't a therapy session, this is you playing chess with your Jewish friend and the sister you traumatized, and us trying to deal.'_

There was a squeak as he shifted in his chair, pulling his blue cardigan tighter around himself. Charles looked... not defeated, just exhausted. 

Almost a minute went by, just silence and quiet breathing. No one wanted to speak until Charles had spoken first. Finally--

"Six years ago, in London, I tried to kill myself. I attempted suicide." He paused, tapping his fingers against the table, "I called my sister at her friends house, and apologized. I confessed I did not think I could continue on, then I swallowed two bottles of pain medication and... and I went out into the garden. It was raining, and I felt cold, and then I didn't feel cold anymore."

Raven was crying, Erik could see the tears wetting her face, illuminated by the fireplace. She had started crying long ago, but he hadn't noticed until then.

There was something about hearing the words come out of Charles mouth that suddenly made everything very, very real. 

"When I came to, I was in the bathroom, and Raven was calling for an ambulance. I couldn't feel anything. I apologized again. Over and over, until my tongue couldn't move anymore and I blacked out again. I attempted suicide and I said sorry more times than I could count, but apologies weren't what you needed. It wasn't what I needed either." Charles looked drained.

His fingers twisted in the cuffs of his cardigan, and he blinked twice then look to Raven. 

She shook her head, lips parted as she exhaled, "No, it wasn't."

He smiled, "Raven, it's been six years. We're both entirely different people. What happened will still hurt sometimes, but it  _is_ over."

Nodding, inhaling deeply, and sharing the smile, "Thank you." 

Erik looked down at the chess board, feeling out of place. What had happened was an experience shared by two siblings, yet he felt honoured to be allowed to be part of that evenings developments. Still, he felt like he didn't belong.

"You're one of us now, Erik." Charles murmured, moving his pawn to capture Erik's queen, "You, and the boys, you're all one of us." 

"Xavier strays." Raven added, smiling slightly, "Family."

Erik shook his head, "We are not family. You've only known me a week." 

"I've been in your head for most of that week, my friend. I've touched your dearest memories, and we've spent hours within each others minds. Time means nothing to a telepath." Charles replied, "You bore witness to me and Raven dealing with a painful even in our past. I've spent a long time denying myself resolution. Our past may have been ours, but our future is shared by you. No one has ever been as much apart of us as you have."

Erik moved his last pawn, performing an en passant to capture the other, saying, " _Oh! dreary was the world to me._ " Charles moved his bishop to block him from putting him in check. Two moves later, Charles had put him in check mate, and the game ended. 

"The Heart's Mission, by Benjamin R. Tubb." The telepath finally commented, as though it had been nagging at the back of his mind. He reached behind him and grabbed a book on his desk, and flipped to a page, " _Oh! dreary was the world to me, 'A vale of fear' - of sin and woe, my weary heart could find no rest, where e'er my truant feet might go. I learn'd to hate the haunts of man, and spurn'd the soul with pity fraught, for human hearts seem'd all deceit, and for a coin were sold and bought._ " He glanced at his friend, smiling, "You've been reading my song books." 

"And you've been reading my mind. I believe that it is a fair trade." 

Erik helped Charles put away the chess board, feeling a warmth inside him. There was no ending where he could be separated from this man, he knew. No one had made him feel so whole, so undamaged. He could not imagine an existence where Charles Francis Xavier did not stand at his side. 

En passant, indeed.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sl_gyMftEqg  
> From Here to Utopia (Song for the Desperate) by Ramshackle Glory


End file.
